hi 2 0 1 8

hey, hi.

One month ago, I couldn’t believe that the year had already ended and a fresh new one was waited to be entered; I looked back on everything that had happened in 2017 and slowly started to look forward to 2018 (you can read that here). And guess what? The first thirty-one days have already passed. I cannot believe it, but the MacBook really says Feb on the top of the screen, I have flipped another page on the calendar and my iPad will welcome a brand new wallpaper soon (I love the ones Pinkepank makes). And honestly I haven’t thought about what I wanted to change this year or what I definitely had to have accomplished throughout January- I just did what I wanted to do. And that my friends, deserves one hell of a recommendation. The second week of January, when school break had ended, I got back to work and I loved it. I work with teenagers and even though they they drive me soooo crazy sometimes (often), I still call them ‘my kids’ every day and I have gotten amazingly attached to them in the two years I’ve been working at the school. Boys have gotten taller than I am (thank god they still listen to what I say, even though they literally look down on me) and their voices have dropped, and girls are slowly changing from being kids to young women, who start to giggle less and focus more. I am so thankful for my colleagues. The team usually changes often, so I haven’t known all of them for those two years, but it already feels like a family and I love love love being a part of it. Honestly, when I applied for the job I didn’t think I would love it so much. I thought “well it’s fine for the time being” but it has grown on me like I never thought it would, plus I personally and professionally have grown ridiculously by ‘just’ working there. Gosh… who would have thought?

So alright, enough about the job. No well actually… The idea of starting my own business has been circling around in my mind for some time, because you know, I only work freelance now. And as I’m trying to build something for the future, it felt better to just make myself official as a pedagogue and work from there (I will continue the work I am doing right now of course). Sooooo this Monday I’ll be heading out to my appointment to register my business. It’s name will be Moa, which means ‘mother’. I think that pretty much covers my way of working… according to myself and others I’m basically a mama without even having a baby (don’t get me started on that). Anyway, starting a business is not that easy when it comes to understanding all the rules and taxes, but it feels really good doing this by myself and learning step by step. Also it provides a lot of chances for the future, so I’m excited about that!

Another update: my baby niece Winter, who was born on December 20th, already turned five weeks. She’s doing great and I love being her proud auntie! On Saturday I will head over there to take some photos of that tiny sweet little babe and her parents, so you’ll probably see that coming by over the weekend. My friend’s baby boy Magnus also keeps growing and growing and his laugh is amazing. No matter how you feel, he will cheer you up for sure. All the love for these tiny humans <3.

Also my father’s birthday came up again, he would have turned sixty on the 27th of January. I’m not really in the mood to go into deep thoughts about that right now, it just really sucked not being able to celebrate together. On the bright side, I did celebrate another one of my love’s birthdays on the 23rd. We had a super tiny group of close friends over and that was lovely. We (actually my love but I get to go too) even got some plane tickets to Dublin! By far the craziest birthday present e-ver but we are sooo thankful because we have never been there and we are super excited to go in April. Lunatic friends if you ask me, but we love them <3.

Because of the whole birthday of my father-thing I have been thinking a lot (what else is new). I’ve been having some trouble with life itself, in the deepest form possible. How is this possible, why is this possible, how can anyone prove I am not making this life up, is it real, where does it end, where do I go when I die, if I had more lives than this one, why am I conscious of living now, why am I in my body and not someone elses, why, how, where, what, when, H O W. At some moments, it feels like I suddenly just realise everything. I can feel it in the deepest of my bones, I am captured by some sort of anxiety because I’m not able to understand and I will never be. I stare at the moon and I don’t understand. I feel the sunlight on my skin and I don’t understand. I talk to people and I see their lips moving and their eyes looking in mine and I don’t understand. I’m not trying to sound dramatic or anything and you’ll probably thinking “god this girl needs therapy” but it’s just something I cannot get out of my mind (don’t worry I have enough amazing people around me to talk to). Because of your replies to my words in posts and stories I know I am definitely not the only one trying to cope with these feelings, and that is comforting. But still, we basically are so alone. We’re the only ones in our heads, we are the only one feeling the way we feel, seeing through our own eyes and hearing our own thoughts. Well it does come in handy sometimes (haha) but it’s also quite frightening to me. I often lose myself in these thoughts and even though I can get very anxious, I do just want to think about it. It’s intriguing and interesting and it’s definitely never boring.

And usually, when I fall asleep and wake up safe and sound in the morning, when I listen to music, when I sip tea with my friends or family, when I watch a baby smile, when I work with those lovely kids and dear colleagues, when I laugh until my stomach hurts, when I feel that same sunlight on my skin and the wind through my locks, when I brainlessly watch some show on tlc, when I come home to my love at night, when I wrap my arms around him, when I think about all the amazing, sweet, kind and beautiful people around me who I like and or love dearly, my home, the places I’ve been to and how much I actually am blessed with, everything suddenly just doesn’t seem that complicated after all.

Feel free to share your thoughts, sweet people <3.

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