new moon

hello darlings.

I have always been awed by the moon. But only for a few years or so, I’ve been starting to read more into astrology and the impact of the planets on our mind and body. Ever more often when i feel my mind is weary and restless, my sleep short and my dreams lively, it appears to be that a full or new moon is on the lookout. As the moon is ought to be responsible for the flowing tides of the ocean, I won’t doubt its influence on our water-filled bodies.

My sign is a Cancer. I cannot express how much I hate that name, as I lost my father to it so it always stings when reading, typing or saying it. Hate it.

Anyway, since I’ve started immersing myself into the world of astrology, I’ve come to so much more peace and clearness about myself. I always wondered: why must I be so ridiculously sensitive, why do I feel pure anger hearing certain sounds, seeing repeating small actions like harmless fingers ticking on a table, why can’t I accept criticism or well-meant advise, why is my mind as chaotic as it is and why do I seem to feel and think so deep, always?

Since reading more about my sign, I’ve come to accept myself a lot more and I’ve learned to deal with my weaknesses, but also to treasure them and turn them into something great. The last few years I’ve become much more patient with myself and my flaws, and taken great steps in the self-love process.

When I find the right people, I find it easy to love them good and forever. I get anxious if I’m close to people who are anxious, if someone cries or hurts I feel like crying with them, but if someone is happy, I can feel their light. Most of the time. Sometimes happy people annoy me terribly- all part of the mood swings a Cancer brings of course. Oh, the delight.

I can see the world from a cinematic view, almost creating a planet of my own. Most of the time I find that wonderful, sometimes it can be troubling as i tend to lose sense of reality. Taking photographs, making music and writing about how I feel and what I think, turns my thoughts more clear and more real. But over-romanticizing, influenced by movies, songs, social media, can lead to disappointments very quickly, I’m still learning to balance myself when it comes to that.

What I found to be a great deal of all is that my whole life I felt like motherhood is my ultimate goal in life. Oh, how many times I’ve heard I’m ‘such a mom’. As the Cancer is the most mothering sign of all, that makes a lot of sense. With or without a child, I will always feel like a mama.

The fear of change (and fear in general, hiding behind my hard shell) is something that has also always been there. I try to grasp every single moment i ever lived in the past and I refuse to let it go. I could seriously attach myself to a plastic bottle when it contains any emotional value, and then feel genuinely hurt if I would throw it away. I’m still not sure why I feel the need to hold on to things so, so badly. Maybe I am afraid for the fact my life too will end one day, and I’m so not ready to forget and lose all of this- if that is what will even happen I mean. Who knows?

We both feel like moving to a bigger place. We wish for a little family, a tiny garden, an extra room. Despite my longings for change, I find it so hard to let go of the current situations. I’ve been accommodating to the idea of leaving our apartment for months and months now, and I feel like I’m making a lot of progress. So often I am just staring at every little piece of wall in our home, trying to save and to remember. What it looked like, how it felt, the moments we lived here.

For a while now, I’ve felt change is coming our way. I think the next few years will be incredibly different and I’m both excited as scared of what’s going to come. And in those moments I feel anxious, empty and full at the same time, I look at the moon- stare at it for what feels like forever. Seeing it float out there, completely out of reach but still close, calm, reflecting the light of the sun although the sun is out of sight- it brings me great comfort and somehow, I then just trust the universe knowing exactly what I need. I truly think it will guide me exactly where I need to be and that couldn’t amaze, and soothe, me more <3.

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